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Sam
09 April 2008 @ 09:01 pm
Found out today that my mental illness entitles me to an extra 10 days after the project deadline to spend on my work.

It is a relief to know that extra time is there if I need it (I intend to aim for the original deadline), but I can't help but feel like a fraud.
I can't shake off the idea that I shouldn't get extra help just because I'm less motivated to work than other people. None of my coursemates know about my extension yet and I don't really want to tell them because I don't want to have to explain - I don't do telling people I'm mad - I save all that whinging for here. But it's going to become apparent when I don't submit my technical drawings next Monday, and the rest of them do, that I have an extension. Joy.

Ugh.

I really feel like a fake. I seem to spend most of my time sleeping or staring into space. I do find it difficult to concentrate on anything for very long - again this entry is taking me forever. But maybe if I just 'pulled my socks up' and stopped being so pathetic and lazy I would actually achieve something. I know self criticism only makes things worse, grrrrrr. I feel a bit like an addict or something - I can only deal with my problem once I admit it exists. I suppose I should believe my doctor and psychiatrist who tell me I have depression, but it's tough to accept an invisible illness.

:(
 
 
Sam
07 April 2008 @ 08:56 pm
When I'm stressed I seem to get symptoms of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Ok, tmi there.

I have also observed that I tend to favour synonyms containing more syllables as my anxiety heightens.

I have been playing freerice.com obsessively of late and have actually increased my vocabulary. I have been especially delighted whilst reading Cloud Atlas by David Mitchell* to have encountered several of my newly acquired words: augury and caravanserai the most noteworthy thus far.

*Wherein I return to a more base vernacular: this is a bloody good book which requires at least two read throughs.

Back to attempting to complete my degree and wresting my attention from the window.
 
 
Sam
05 April 2008 @ 05:21 pm
I can't believe it's taken me till now to see the Indy IV trailer. So exciting. I want to make films dammit! Second to making rides that is. :)
 
 
Sam
05 April 2008 @ 02:36 pm
Finished my dissertation! Woooo! It was handed in on Tuesday, so that's one module out of four done. Although now I'm convinced it's far below what I could have achieved if I'd put more time and effort in. I wish I didn't have such a short attention span and a propensity to fall asleep every couple of hours. Oh well.

Ugh, even now, I can't concentrate on writing - I'm distracted by staring aimlessly out of the window.

There's only 6 weeks left to complete my degree, which is a ridiculously short amount of time for the amount of work I have to do. And following that, there's The Future. I've sent my cv and portfolio to a couple of design companies, but apparently they can't be bothered to reply to me, which is incredibly frustrating. I wish they'd just tell me to bugger off if they aren't interested, but the complete lack of reply leaves me in limbo. Grrrr. So, if you happen to have a theme design company and are looking for a junior designer/visualiser, let me know? Lol!

At least in 6 weeks time, whether I've done any work or not, this particular source of stress will be over! And I currently have a substantial amount of chocolate to aid in my endeavours!

I need to decide what work to put together for my graduation show. Being an exhibition design student puts a little more pressure on this, as I ought to be able to design a really good show! :/ I want to make a model to show part of one of my projects, but don't really know what to do. I'd also love to do some animation, but again don't know what I would animate. And now it's making my head hurt. :(

In excellent news, the new series of Doctor Who begins this evening!
 
 
Sam
13 March 2008 @ 06:48 pm
Ugh, having a crappy day today. :(

I've worked out I'm so tired all the time because all my energy goes on being angry... about everything! I really want to comfort eat but I feel queasy. vent vent vent.
 
 
 
Sam
05 March 2008 @ 04:41 pm
omfg  
Back from India and trying to catch up with everything!!!

I could write a book about the trip and I will try to write up as much as I can, but I also have 3 weeks to do a hell of a lot of uni work. :(

In summation: the wedding was *amazing*; India is both wonderful and terrifying! The whole experience was brilliant, but I am glad to be back!

Hope you are all well! x
 
 
Sam
09 February 2008 @ 10:00 pm
I just need the world to stop for a while so I can stop worrying about everything. Grrrr.
I also shouldn't watch dramas about young women who attempt suicide, stupid triggers. :(

But I'm ok! Sometimes I need a good cry to let off some steam!

I've been meaning to post for a while and of course, now, I can't remember what I was going to write. It was obviously something thrilling.
Yet another week has flown by and my stress levels are increasing. If I would stop being anxious for half an hour or so, I could actually use that time constructively. But I'm too busy hand wringing all the time. And I'm starting to wind myself up, so I'm going to shut up, eat some junk food and go to bed.
 
 
Sam
07 February 2008 @ 10:05 pm
I want to post a proper entry, and reply to comments from the last, but I'm too tired and stressed out at the moment.
However, I do have to respond to this: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7233335.stm

"Dr Rowan Williams said the UK had to "face up to the fact" some citizens do not relate to the British legal system."

What saddens me most is not the incredible absurdity of this man's comments; it's the fact that they have been aired to the country on mainstream media.

Why can't all insane people on a power trip have equal access to this platform? Let's all get our ridiculous ideas broadcast on the BBC and spark national debate. I'll start; a ban on umbrellas for the danger they present to eyeballs.
 
 
Sam
26 January 2008 @ 02:44 pm
I really need to learn to refuse chocolates from other people (unless it's something nice and friendly like Cadbury's normal stuff). It turned out the chocolate my friend gave me had hazelnut paste in it. Fortunately I just had some mild irritation in my mouth last night (after eating it). However, right now I'm having abdominal cramps and the only reason I can think of for this is a delayed allergic reaction, ughhhh. :(
And the boiler in our house is broken, so no heating for me, woohoo.

I think I should just crawl back into bed.
 
 
Sam
24 January 2008 @ 04:12 pm
busy  
Wow, time flies when you have tonnes of work to do. :(

The state of my mental health has been relatively good lately, thankfully. I'm over the flu but something has been sapping all my energy. I've been too tired to stay up past 10pm, even though I don't usually get up till 9am. I think I need to exercise more to raise my energy levels, so I'm making myself walk faster to and from uni - which is a 40min-ish round walk - which is a start.

We had a 'progress review' last Wednesday and the upshot is, I'm behind on my major project and ok on my option project. *sigh* The main problem is decision making. I need to decide what models are going where, what interactives to use, what my graphics look like, whether or not I have lots of straight walls (as opposed to angles other than 90 degrees, or curves). And I can't make decisions!!!! It doesn't happen. :(

Now I'm feeling guilty for spending time not doing anything work related. Ah, stress is so much fun.